Unspoken

Being Stubborn or being Realistic

It seems like complications never seem to run singly but in herds.
Though? I must say this. His response was the one that made the most visceral sense to me. A flash of - Yes, that is about what I meant, though not quite like that. 
Granted. 
But there was no fun to the hunt. 
Ah. Because it wasn't a hunt, was it?
And the impulse to dominate a peripheral pack member is not one that I intend to meekly submit to. 
And I'm going to stop brooding on that line of thought. 
My ears hurt. I'm inclined to blame the skulking in the mud.
And my day today shall be? Cleaning my sword.
Years and life times. And still, no one seems to have a sense of pacing or possibilities.

 
The positive:
The dangerously self-satisfied apathy is gone.

The negative:
It has been replaced with uncertainty.

This is not really a net gain, all things considered.

The decisions that I've made lately have all seemed meet and good upon the occasion of their being made. All have been engaged in with the understanding that my vision is limited and capable of being wrong, I'm balancing matters in a dangerous way, and yet all has been deemed good enough.

This last decision, however, will not settle well. Perhaps because I cannot define my areas of control on it.
Which is foolish. If I could define it, peg it, it'd be rather boring.
But? I've the sneaking suspicion that this lack of ability to define comes not from the situation but from the participant. I can't define it because of a lack of...

Skill?
Practice?
Understanding?
All of the above?

It is the difference between entering into a combat situation with as good intelligence and equipment as one can have, at least knowing where the lines are that you need to hold, and accepting that the matter will be fluid, vs. having no idea what the terran holds, damaged equipment and having no idea what is vital and what is not. Where the lines are.

And the annoying thing is I am fairly sure that he knows exactly where the lines are and is, or could be, dancing in, out and over them with impunity.

Bloody well probably could steal from the supply line before I noticed.

How much is a measure of bravado?
How much is believed simply because it is said forcefully?
How many battles won just on the power of tenacity?
So we draw that first line.

I will not be unsettled, lessened, changed or anxious for this.

And that won't be crossed.

 Certainties: I've just made my life more complicated.
Possibilities: I've just made my life a lot more interesting.
Unlikelihood: Matters will proceed according to my preconceived notions.
Uncertainties: Whether I care or not.

As an aside? It will be an unexpected joy to have the luxury of sleeping in less than full attire.

I fulfilled my duties. I got help.
That doesn't change the fact that the door is still shut. 
I'll do my best to get over being angry over that.

Character Story Warning!

Though it is RL that has oocly taken me from the game for a bit - there is a IC reasoning for Anae's sudden departure. 
The following is just a snippet in regards to that.  

The day has passed in a moderate haze. 
I've drunk more tea today than I have have in my entire life. 
I've hated every sip.
I took a look at the stitching. 
I decided that dissecting how I felt about it, about the entire situation, was something that could wait for another time. 
It would be my usual custom to dissect the flow of events as well. What happened. How did the choices made flow to that. What should I have done to shift it, avoid it, mitigate it. 
But I don't want to do that right now. 
I wish that there was a river near by.

I gave advice on romance and love today.
It was exceptionally amusing. 
It'll be even more amusing to see if she uses it or not.
And even further,  what might happen if she does. 

I do believe that he's angry or annoyed with me. 
...
Good. 

I thought it was gone. Driven away by sleep and conversation.
But, no. I dove to the bottom and held on tight and in the silence it was nearly overwhelming.
I was angry before.
Now I'm starting to become afraid.
...
How stupid of me. How incredibly stupid, sloppy and ...flighty of me. Afraid?
Enough self-indulgent whining!  
So. Smarten up. Straighten up.
Pay. Attention.
Situations are faced with steel, wit, and intelligence.
Just because there is no name for it yet does not mean it doesn't get fought the same way.
Stop dulling reactions those with inane introspection.
Whatever it is, then? It will be met.
Angry again.
Good.